Friday, January 20, 2012

The voices in my head

I sat down to meditate a few days ago, trying to silence my mind. However, thought kept arising and I took a moment to observe them.

I realized that there are several types of thoughts or voices. Each voice has its own character. There is:

The (micro-)manager: Constantly telling me about the things that I should do. "You still have to do this.", "Oh, do not forget to do that too.". "When you open your computer, don't forget to send an email to X, and don't forget to mention that ....." etc, etc, etc. Making a to-do-list shuts her up usually. But sometimes she just goes on, and on, and on....

The DJ: This one loves playing music! This usually is fun, unless of course she is playing an annoying song. Or unless I want to meditate! ;)

The VJ: This one loves playing back scenes and conversations from my life. Unfortunately she quiet often shows me those parts that make me feel insecure and/or ashamed. When I am lucky, she shows me fleeting images of beautiful moment. Then other times she also plays back neutral scenes for no apparent reason.

The blogger: Whenever I have an insight or follow a trail of thought, this voice translates everything into words. She loves describing my thoughts and experiences in a way that will allow me to share them. She is also quiet obsessed with finding the right words and often rephrases... Persistently she keeps on repeating her "wonderful" phrases until I write them down (which I am doing now). PS: I think she is rather vain and has some issues with her mortality.

The simpleton: This voice makes me laugh! When all the other voices have been silenced this one pops-up and says something like: "I am sitting!", "I am here!" or "I am!". She loves stating the obvious! I guess she likes to affirm her existence.

The lunatic (or: the politician): I sometimes hear her talking right before I fall asleep. She always seems to be talking about something mightily interesting and oh, so intellectual! She talks of things that are beyond me and her beautiful, impressive words flow like a waterfall. However, whenever I try to zoom-in and understand what she is saying she stops! As a result I never know what she is talking about, but I suspect that her speech has no true substance.

The observer: Of course there must be someone experiencing all of this, listening to all these thoughts. I call her the observer. Usually she is the one acknowledging feelings and listening to the voices.

After having experienced this I get the feeling that I most definitely am not my thoughts. Thought just happen in me, that is all...Who am I then? I don't know, but it makes me very curious about what others think or have experienced along these lines.